she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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