I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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