I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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