I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
