I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
