If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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