you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
