I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
