Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
