I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
