Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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