The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
