Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Can't talk, ducks in the car
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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