Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
