Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
