May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
