thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
So vagazzling was a success
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
