I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
