I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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