This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
