well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
