Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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