mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
