May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Randomize
