You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
