There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
