I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
