you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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