I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
