There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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