I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
