one word: firstdatebathroomanal
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
