I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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