How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
