In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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