i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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