I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
