feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
