shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Randomize
