I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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