Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
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