I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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