I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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