My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize