woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
