please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
farters have to be the big spoon...
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
