theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize