I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
