just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Randomize
