Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Randomize
