What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
