yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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