Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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