You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
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