You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
