Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
