woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize