There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
