there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Randomize